“My name is Ernesto Murillo, I was serving a 110  years to life sentence. My recovery started in 2015 in Soledad State Prison however it felt something missing , like someone I can relate too. In 2016, I transferred to California Institute for Men and met Jesse Cardenas and Tod Coburn. They invited me to a group called Friends in Recovery Standing Together (F.I.R.S.T), a 12 step group.

In 2017 , I joined the group F.IR.S.T, it was an amazing experience, with fellow incarcerated men that I can relate to and had the similar childhood trauma. I was able to work the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous and the most impactful was writing a forgiveness letter to myself. I gained understanding of my destructive life and choices I had made for acceptance and validation.

Through completing the group these two men motivated me to be a facilitator and help the Spanish speaking community. I’m grateful for this opportunity, I gained insight and was able to share my testimony. On November 23, 2024,I was released under a recent bill. And due to the work I did in FIRST.“

“F.I.R.S.T. is a peer-to-peer group founded by inmates on the yard who were actively involved in recovery and wanted to create a program that not only worked the 12 Steps of N/A, but also provided an environment where participants could grow close and be open and honest in their journey.

It’s a 12-month program that is hard to explain because it covers so much—12 Steps, anger, shame and guilt, grief, domestic violence, effective communication, assertiveness, self-esteem, insight, forgiveness, public speaking, and more. We had open and raw discussions about our addictions and the behaviors that stemmed from them. We examined the cycles of trauma and victimology, discussed triggers, character defects, and contributing factors.

Accountability partners and mandatory participation were key elements. Through this experience, I took away three major lessons:

1. Criminal Thinking

I had criminal reservations, believing that as long as I wasn’t engaging in major criminal activity, I was no longer a criminal. I was wrong, and I have a 115 to prove it. Before F.I.R.S.T., I didn’t even know what a reservation in my belief system was, let alone a criminal one. Working through the steps and modules, I realized I hadn’t fully resolved my old way of thinking. Depending on my feelings or circumstances, I was still willing to revert to old behaviors. That was a hard truth to face, but it helped me step out of denial and confront my reality. I thought I had gone off track, but I learned that I had never fully gotten on the right track in the first place.

2. Toxic Shame

Carrying toxic shame was keeping me in denial and holding me back. I had a negative view of myself due to the harm I caused others and the unresolved abuse from my family. I saw myself as a horrible person rather than someone who had done horrible things. This realization forced me to make a choice: either I was still the same person, or I wasn’t. If I wasn’t, I had to let go of the past, hold myself accountable, accept the guilt for my actions, and take responsibility to ensure it never happened again. When I did, it became easier to accept God’s forgiveness, forgive myself, and forgive others. A weight was lifted, and I was freed from my resentments, allowing me to heal. The negative thinking faded, and I was able to practice spiritual principles.

3. Self-Esteem

For the longest time, I tied my worth and value to my talents rather than who I am in God’s eyes. I cared too much about what others thought, relying on external validation. That was unhealthy because I couldn’t control others’ perceptions. Once I started to accept how God sees me through faith in Jesus Christ, the shame no longer clouded my view. My self-worth is now anchored in my relationship with God—something stable and unchanging. God loves me for me and encourages me to keep moving forward.

These lessons, along with many others, dramatically changed my life. I started feeling better about myself, which led to hope and optimism for my future. My perspective became healthier, and I found myself smiling more, walking lighter, and worrying less about things beyond my control.”

“My name is Juan Morales, I was sentenced to 108 years to life. I have attended N.A groups for most of my incarceration. However, it wasn’t until 2016-2017 that I experienced a whole new meaning of what the 12 steps meant. I was invited to participate in a group called friends in recovery standing together (F.I.R.S.T).

Attending (F.I.R.S.T) was something that I will forever be grateful for. It thought me that there is much more information behind each step. Such as the spiritual principles and how can we make the step work best for each one of us. I can proudly say that this was my first time working the 12 steps and I gained so much insight. Many would say that step 4 was the most difficult one, because of writing a list of the people we harm, and I can agree. However, for me, the most difficult step was step 5, because of admitting to myself, God and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. I was more than capable of admitting to myself and God, but another human being was very difficult. I remember hearing it from a facilitator, to only trust the process. I did and that helped me to let go of a lot of shame. It changed my perspective in how I viewed things and I no longer agreed with acting out with old behaviors.

It started by me doing my best to apply the spiritual principles into my daily routine. I truly felt that I was no longer doing my will, but my higher powers will, Jesus Christ. Which brings to mention, through (F.I.R.S.T) I  built a stronger relationship with God. I began to experience what many others before me had experienced through working the 12 steps. As others believed in my walk, they would ask me for help. That is when I realized that I was not only helping them, but also helping myself in the process. That is why we say, we keep we have by giving it away.

I would like to say that this is when I flipped the script to my lifestyle. I no longer chose to do illegal things to gain self-esteem. I gained my self-esteem through helping others. I thank (F.I.R.S.T) and all my friends in recovery standing together.“

“Friends In Recovery Standing Together. When I first came to this group, I was early in my recovery journey. I had always been a secretive person. I had constructed so many masks to fit the character I needed in whatever situation I found myself in. Prison I thought for sure was no place to start taking them off. Heck, some of those masks I came to believe were actually me. How was I going to recover when I needed honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. How was I going to recover if I had to start peeling away masks?  I was a broken and hurt child inside. If I had to start peeling away masks, everyone would see that. I could become a victim. I could become the center of everyone’s joke. Heck, I had an ego to protect. The same one that kept me sick all of those years. 

When we started our first meeting it took a while for us all to build confidence with each other. We were told that group confidentiality was key, and that what was shared in group had to stay in group for this thing to work. What I found was that we all had masks, We all had stories, and we all deep down inside wanted something different. Through the different modules and homework, and then coming to the group and sharing it with my peers I started to build confidence in my peers. I learned to trust them more and more because they were sharing too. The longer we were in group sharing with each other, the more everyone built trust and confidence with each other. The sharing got deeper and deeper. The modules were set up in a perfect way. Some modules were very deep and personal and took a lot out of me emotionally, but then would be followed by a speech or something that would lighten up all that was stirred up after riding that emotional rollercoaster. The trust and confidence in my peers grew more and more. Confidentiality was never broken in that group and it allowed us all to get honest. I learned that if there was no honesty, there was no change. I saw that others understood that too. I learned that we need our peers to recover. I learned that I needed to let out my demons, and I learned that I needed to do that with others to recover, to get feedback, and to understand that my story was’t unique. We all held each other up when we needed it, and we all supported each other. I learned that recovery could not be done by myself. Heck, I’d been listening to my own advice for years to my own demise. In FIRST I learned how to trust someone, I learned that it’s okay to need help, I learned that it’s okay not to know the answer, I learned it was okay to be hurt and broken, but most importantly, I learned that it was okay to heal. I learned tools that helped build a better life. I learned how to practice principles like honesty, integrity, accountability and brotherly love. I was worth a better life than what I’d been giving myself, and I started getting it with the help of this group. I couldn’t have learned and accepted this without this thing called Friends In Recovery Standing Together.”

“My name is James, I was a part of the first group of individuals to participate in the F.I.R.S.T. (Friends In Recovery Standing Together)Program.My experience in the group proved for me, to be life changing . Prior to FIRST I had no concept of OCP(Obcessive Composive Progression) character defects ,shortcomings, and how to process my overall journey By trusting the process of FIRST and it’s many self-help components. I have been home five years now. It is my belief that society could benefit from F.I.R.S.T”